The Greatest Musician. Ever. Really.

OK, so I have 5 more days to go. I'm miserable, I'm not yet in labor, and so I'll spare you the boring details of what it's like to play the waiting game. Jeff has repeatedly asked Emma to make an appearance and she's not really listening as of yet.

So today, I feel compelled to share with you, dear readers, my newest favorite super star. Heidi Montag (Star of MTV's The Hills and arch nemesis of Lauren Conrad, also of The Hills, formerly of Laguna Beach), has launched a new career. As a singer. I suppose being a reality TV star was not enough. So she has "diversified" herself by adding singer/songwriter and fashion designer. I know nothing about her fashion line (Other than she came out with a line shortly after LC debuted her fashion line) and it's supposedly more "affordable" for us poor people who don't live in Hollywood and fork out $2,000.00 for a handbag. Thanks for thinking of us little people, Heidi. Nice of ya to consider us. Your clothes are hideous, but thanks anyway. But back to the singing career. She blows me away. [read: I vomit a little in my mouth when I hear her songs]

So several months ago, Heidi came out with a video she and Spencer (her on again, off again fiancee, boyfriend, manager, whatever) produced. It was terrific. [again vomitous]
Today, I find out from my friend Christine (who so graciously keeps me informed as to all of Heidi's latest accomplishments...er disasters as according to Perezhilton or TMZ) that Heidi has yet another song out. I immediately push the play button on the post because as horrible as it must be, I. Cannot. Not. Listen. AH! I couldn't even finish the song before I was googling the lyrics to make sure I was really hearing correctly. I then sent the lyrics to my BF Laura, promising not to recap the song. You see, several months ago, when the infamous black and white video was released, I felt compelled to recap the video for my BF.

Today, I tried (I suppose not very hard) to NOT recap the song for her, but I succumbed to the pressure of how wonderful (horrible) the song is. To keep myself from complaining about my "delicate condition" as Scarlett O'Hara would call it, I'll share my opinions of Heidi's antics. Enjoy. Or not. You'll see what I mean.

Let me start with the original video that started it all.
I believe it's called Higher by Heidi Montag.



My original thoughts:

Just my very humble opinion...
Heidi from The Hills has a music video out. Yes, I said a music video. She had a boob job, a nose job and her voice is absolutely craptacular. The first 30 seconds are just of her running at the beach (gotta test those new puppies out for bouncibility) and turning sideways so we can see her new assets. Several bikini shots and a dress (or is that a swim suit cover up?) open far enough down the front to reveal extra special side views of the harder than rock looking new breasts. I am trying to actually watch the video on youtube but I can only stand about 5 or 6 seconds at a time without dry heaving. So far she's rolling around on her towel (wow - she's really trying to get her money's worth by showing off her doctor's work) and singing in a high pitched Strawberry Shortcake meets Jem and the Holograms voice. Or was that Barbie and the Rockers. Barbie had a much deeper voice. And was actually cool. Oh jeez, Heidi just backed up on all fours into the ocean. Can it get any better than this?? The lyrics are something like Let me take you Higher and Spread your wings or something. I'm a minute and 13 seconds in and can *hardly* wait to see what Heidi has in store for me. She's so giggly and fun - it almost makes me yearn for the opportunity to go to the beach with her and play in the rising tides. Or on the funky fresh rocks. She looks as if she's perfected the classic 7th grade acting move where you throw your hands away from your upper body in a "what???" motion - watch the video...she does it several times in a row about a minute and a half into it. Watching her skeletal frame writhe around on the towel is making me hungry. For a large pizza. Her body is so perfectly proportioned - those protruding hip bones and those gargantuan new boobs - very nicely done, Dr. Jekyll. Oh, now she's just screeching "higher" several times in a row. Really gotta google the lyrics - this is Grammy worthy for sure. Did I mention this is terrible? Really, I'm not joking now. And the Blair Witch style shaky camera really adds to the authenticity of the lyrics. Whoever was filming must have been "higher" than a kite to think that

A. Heidi looks super great rolling around and backwards skip dancing
B. These lyrics are gonna really turn heads
C. Heidi is the next Madonna pop sensation to sweep the nation.

The black and white shots really emphasize the manufactured cleavage. Good call director. Because she sucks so badly, lets call attention to her newly formed attributes - maybe the people won't hear the pathetic words coming from her anorexic mouth and will instead concentrate on the fact that Holy Cow Heidi Montag may tip over from her unbalanced frame.
I made it! Three minutes and 26 seconds of sheer torture. The movements are classic Playboy video reject - all the fake posing and chest popping and hair flipping...the pouty lip look is so high school girl trying to be sexy. OK - I won't torture you anymore with my review of Heidi Montag Does The SoCal Coast. But just in case you are interested, here is a copy of those earth shattering lyrics.

Here I go now, I’m keeping my eyes open don't you let me down.
Nothing can stop me now, I know you hear this sound. Go ahead and let it out, don’t be afraid to fly, fly high, reaches past the sky
Here we go let it flow, spread your wings and fly, you never known till you let it go, going up, up, up, up
I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher higher, higher
I feel the energy
I’m breaking the boundaries there’s nothing next to me
I look up and obviously it’s like I found the lease, They’re searching for the me, looks like I finally found the key, let me open the door for you.
Here we go let it flow, spread your wings and fly (fly), you never known till you let it go, going up, up, up, up
I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.
Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher, higher
I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.
I’m only going higher, higher, I’m gonna take it higher, higher
No time for looking back, I dream and that’s a fact, I’m only going higher, higher, higher.
Feel the wind on your face, we frolic or race, we can go at your pace, pace, the power lifted me so I set me free.
Am I dreaming



Yuck. Today, THIS is what I have discovered:



Fortunately - or UNfortunately (however you would like to look at it) there is no actual video that I can locate. Heidi's one lone picture just changes colors. Pretty sweet. Yellow to green to lavendar...psychadelic. Just like the lyrics!!


Heidi Montag's newest song is called Fashion. It should be titled Poser. It is a distant reminder of the "infamous Express tape from 1990". I believe this wonderful tape (yes I said tape) was called Musique D'Express and I (along with my other friends) purchased this tape from the clothing store Express back when we were in middle school. It was a compilation of French songs played over the loudspeakers at the store. We thought it was super cool and bought the tape. I actually found the tape on Amazon and these are the songs listed: SIDE ONE: 1. Claudia Phillips "Picasso" 2. Niagara "Soleil d'Hiver" 3. Francios Feldman "Joue Pas" 4. Luna Parker "Fric Frac" 5. Vanessa Paradis "Soldat" SIDE TWO: 1. Vanessa Paradis "Joe le Taxi" 2. Serge Gainsbourg "Mon Legionnaire" 3. Lio "Tu Es Formidable" 4. Pauline Ester "Oui, Je l'adore" 5. francois Feldman "J'ai Peur"
You love that it says "SIDE ONE" and "SIDE TWO", don't you? Back to the lyrical genius of Heidi. Vanessa Paradis Heidi is not. In fact, I say lets bring back the "Joe Le Taxi" and "Picasso" and leave Heidi's fake "French" accented designer lyrics alone.

The lyrics are as follows:


HEIDI!
Ohhh Ohhh
La La La
We Love Designer


I am, I’m too fabu-lous
I’m so fierce that it’s so nuts
I live, to be model thin
Dress me, I’m your manne-quin

(A bunch of designer names in a “French” accent)

Fashion put it all on me
Don’t you want to see these clothes on me
Fashion put it all on me
I am anyone you want me to be
Fashion put it all on me
Don’t you want to see these clothes on me
Fashion put it all on me
I am anyone you want me to be

Ohhhh Ohhhhh
La La La
We love designer

I need, some new stile-ttos
Can’t walk, down the street in those
You are, who you wear it’s true
A girl’s just as hot as the store she chooses

(A bunch of designer names in a “French” accent)
[Fashion Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]

Fashion put it all on me
Don’t you want to see these clothes on me
Fashion put it all on me
I am anyone you want me to be
Fashion put it all on me
Don’t you want to see these clothes on me
Fashion put it all on me
I am anyone you want me to be

Ohhhh Ohhhhh
La La La
We Love Designer

Ohhhh Ohhhhh
La La La
We Love Designer

Fashion put it all on me
Don’t you want to see these clothes on me
Fashion put it all on me
I am anyone you want me to be
Fashion put it all on me
Don’t you want to see these clothes on me
Fashion put it all on me
I am anyone you want me to be

Fashion put it all on me
Don’t you want to see these clothes on me
Fashion put it all on me
I am anyone you want me to be
Fashion put it all on me
Don’t you want to see these clothes on me
Fashion put it all on me
I am anyone you want me to be

Ohhh Ohhhhh
La La La
We love designer

Ohhh Ohhhhh
La La La
We love designer


OK I know I said I wasn't going to recap, but starting a song with "HEIDI" is a little self centered, right? Or is that just me? And who writes this crap anyway? Spencer's little sister? "I'm so fierce that it's so nuts"??? Really. It's nuts that you are so fierce? Actually, I think you are NUTS. That's just it. You're just nuts. There's nothing fierce about you. And you live to be model thin? That my dear seems to be an oxy-moron. Living to be model thin is actually dying. And lets move onto the next lines of your song. No, quite frankly, I do not care to see clothes on you. Again, it's all about you, Heidi. I don't necessarily want to see those clothes OFF of you, particularly if you are sporting the waifish model thin body you proclaim to be living for, either. I don't give a crap what you wear. And do you really have such pathetic self esteem that you will be anyone I want you to be? Um...isn't that what prostitutes say? I clearly remember in the movie Pretty Woman Julia Roberts saying her name was what whatever Richard Gere wanted it to be. And movies do not lie. So basically, Heidi is a hooker. Oh, but that was sort of basic knowledge before this song came out. And I said I wasn't going to recap the song. I guess I'm a liar just like Heidi. :-) Blah blah blah, I am a shallow girl who wants to be hot and wear the designer stuff, so I'll utter some designer names (Dolce, Manolo, Garanimals, whatever) so I look cool. Like I'm SOOOO into fashion. More fluff words...repreat the lyrics again, second verse, same as the first, designer stuff. Done. Whew. That was short. But again, there is not video as of yet so I'm sure I'll be given more material to play with. Or at least we can only hope.